Ministering to the shame-based child

Shame is a sense of being totally unlovable… worthless. While guilt is a feeling we have when we feel bad about what we have done, shame is when we feel bad about who we are. Shame can be the result of deep hurt, abandonment, abuse, neglect or ridicule. When these traumatizing factors occur early in life, the effect is devastating to the sense of self-worth and belonging. The shame-based child feels like they are always on the outside, never belonging. They don’t fit within their family, their peer group, or their class. Many shame-based children and individuals suffer from a lack of trust. Trust is built upon the foundation of relationship, and the shame-based child feels unworthy of relationship that reciprocates love and trust. As a result, the shame-based child feels powerless and hopeless, and often those caring for them feel that same sense of hopelessness.

I know from my own personal and ministry experience, working with the shame-based child can be exhausting work. Those stuck in a cycle of self-loathing often do things that reinforce their own sense of unworthiness. They feel unlovable, so they are going to make it as close to impossible to love them as they can. The shame-based child lies, steals, cheats, and bullies. They sabotage the good things you try and give them—destroying presents, disrupting birthday parties, deflecting praise. Shame is toxic. It poisons the soul and the mind. The shame-based child thinks in terms of all or nothing, either/or, generalizing and labeling. The perception of the world becomes limited and most interactions revolve around assigning blame. Shame robs the future of any joy. Shame is the enemy of hope.

So what is to be done? Where do you begin with the shame-based child in ministry?

In order to overcome a sense of shame, a child must feel loved at the very core of who they are. The love required is both tender and tough. Tenderness is required to enter into the shame of the child by connecting with your own sense of shame and hurt. Let the child see that the deep hurt they feel has been felt by others, experienced by those they might look to as role models and examples. This combats the lie that they are alone in their shame, and that no one could love them if they really knew how awful they were. This love needs to be tough because you will be abused—verbally, and sometimes physically. Boundaries and security must be in place, both physically, but emotionally as well. Tough love says, “I see you. I love you. We’ve got this together. I can keep you safe.”

This secure love sets the stage for trust to be built, a necessary ingredient for any healthy relationship. Trust building takes time because it involves delving into the deep woundedness that caused the sense of shame. The adult caregiver, role model, teacher or mentor walks with the child through this process, modelling healthy behavior. This trust opens the door for hope for the shame-based child to build a sense of self-empowerment. To empower the self means that you have given yourself permission to feel confident and capable to handle the world and interpersonal relationships without the all-or-nothing thinking and blaming.

A skilled care giver learns how to speak two languages at once—a language of supportive care and reassurance, often accomplished more through body language, tone, and demeanor, and a second language which speaks to the child’s internal world. This second language is communicated through those verbal messages that speak to the empathetic connection you are making to the child’s perception of the world. Sometimes you’ll be wrong about your interpretation of what is going on internally for the shame-based child, but if you start with compassion and the commitment to digging under the presenting behavior and emotion, you’ll be much more successful at making a meaningful connection. If you recall your own emotional state in moments of shame, and your reaction to feeling “shamed,” it makes sense why these children exhibit anger in order to mask fear.

In a ministry context, you must embrace the long road of discipleship and a commitment to the messiness of ministry with the damaged soul. Even when “breakthroughs” occur in ministry to the shame-based child, you must be mentally prepared for the inevitable relapse or regression into previous behaviors and shame-based thinking. It will help the shame-based child to know that God loves them no matter what, but what they really need is to see your commitment to be used by God to show them that unconditional love.

Comments

comments